Other Half keeps the diary, I need to check.. Why do you ask? is my go-to response as well. I think the ideas people are getting at is that sometimes people want to reject an invitation not because they have plans but because they dont want to attend. Why is receiving an invite considered such a stressor and its ok not to get back to the person. Thats the kind of bullshit that is so often behind the oh Im so nice to your differentness behavior belief that you shouldnt be what you are, and that you probably did something not right to get there. Your radishes that you consider joint family radishes because everyone could eat them? Enjoying life and nothing else. Every weekend! I read the question; did all of you who are saying its only about the manipulative cases? Crossword puzzles, chess, sudoku, or other puzzle games Cooking Travel Gardening Art, music, crafts, writing, podcasting Itd be a big help, but if not I could find someone else. Which is a lot of caveats! Examples include: I'm so glad you reached out to me! So mostly I just want the question to go away lol, but since, as the Captain said, thats not likely to happen any time soon, I thought Id try to learn some better ways to navigate it, and again, all of your responses have been extremely helpful! And sometimes the answer is well but if they respond that way theyre not your friends anyway, but we interact with a lot of people who are not our friends but who are important to our lives (coworkers, for example, or in-laws) and yet who can levy that cost. And I have an aunt who, when I was younger, my preferring to do nothing plans often translated in her head to free babysitting for her boys. The one my family goes with is Surviving. why do you ask? when Im texting or emailing. Yeah, I definitely use this question as way to be polite. Him: Good. I think lots of people, especially women, are socialized to think that confidence is impolite, so they try to sound unassertive. Ive been known to do that to friends, since Im one of those people who freaks out when I hit the wrong key and the computer does something unexpected. Good to know! But I explained that I feel like Im being put on the spot- and I would prefer that she just ask me what she wants. Absolutely! I have a couple of friends/acquaintances(sp? Today I feel blessed and happy for no reason. It is perfectly ok to want some calm alone time or time with a cat watching Winter Olympics (that is actually great, our cats especially seem to love skiing) and no-one else really needs to know. Its really cool to see how other people approach this stuff and I liked learning from your comment! (that said, I do aim at treating her the way I would an adult roommate.) I think it would be odd to preemptively take that away. I have only one person who does this, my widowed FIL, and it irritates me no end. The Captains advice is great. Re #1, true that. You'll Get Eaten Last. Person B: Oh, fine, thanks. This meme will hilarious remind them. ), You can also be very vague, but leave the door open for follow-up if you want to share. You could just ask. I think my aunt asks this question for the same reason you do. Aunt: Good! How are you? But when asking, I still tend to ask in layers so the other person has many outs to either say no or express no. Theres also The most generic reply to a compliment is always going to be "thank you". 7. To put it another way, I guess: this is such a normal way to open a conversation that being annoyed by it means that you will be annoyed by a wide variety of people, forever. ! OH ME TOO. It always makes me a little uncomfortable, because Im not used to grocery store cashiers asking me how I am. Im talking about the OMG, how can you feel that way?! I actually get this a lot from people who are actually trying to start conversations, rather than invite me somewhere. Thank you! I get tempted to make stuff up like join the circus or sky diving or whatnot. +1, Im the same way. Am I Really? Its clearly related to the other ones, not just random strangers. Also, I dont expect that the LW is bothered by every person who casually asks this question; Im sure they can tell when someone is just making chit chat vs someone who is interested in spending time together. Instead of making it easier for people to say no, people find it makes it harder. But I have made a major effort to train myself to STATE WHAT I WANT first. Bye. Indoor Cat raised some good points. Honestly, about 90% of *soft* invitations to me fall flatly to the ground because I dont pick up the work of planning, timing and reissuing that invitation. This breaks the meaningless exchange of localized variations in air pressure aspect of the typical greeting, and most people seem to respond favorably to having good things introduced into a conversation. Oof this is hard, because how you deal with it can and will vary so wildly depending upon whos doing the asking of you. So in the next day or two, perhaps on some morning when you leave your house and shes there waiting for you, you tell her, firmly but cheerily with giant beaming smiles that the morning walks will be separate from now on because those are for you to have conversation with your children. (Women with STEM doctorates especially get constant streamers of this kind of contempt from their families.). I also like the advice to just tell people I interact with regularly that I dont like that question. In that case I would begin with the duty: I need a babysitter. Is that the best you've got. Want to go to the turnip festival with me or are you busy? Well, Im not busy but I also dont want to go to any turnip festival ever. Its like theyre trying to help you come up with justifications for saying no before they even ask you the question. Its hard to navigate things as just small talk when follow-up questions and comments quickly lead to territory I dont want to discuss. in a family meeting you decide that father empties the dishwasher, daughter cooks on weekdays, mother cooks on weekends or whatever) which also lets her develope that skills. Texting gives you some time to think of clever or funny responses. after reading a ton of CAs archives I feel comfortable telling people, Im up to nothing both Saturday and Sunday, and I CANNOT WAIT. I"m not done loving you!" 7) "It's Friday bitches!! Eating. Must say I kinda love your kids response. Can't complain. A little of this, a little of that. Me: Working. I grew up in the Guessiest Guess household ever my mother once quit a job because they said they liked her work so much that theyd like her to do more shifts, and she was angry at being put in the position of having to say no so I didnt come out of childhood equipped with much of a toolbox for saying no assertively. Threading has run out, so replying to your top comment, spd please try to avoid using the word spazzy. And then they get all pissy because the girl is taken aback by being asked out so abruptly by this guy about whom she knows pretty much nothing except his appearance. I mountain bike every weekend! Be here at 6.. It might be helpful to reframe this, because the vast majority of the time its not going to be meant as a high-pressure question. to invent some activity or decide how much to share), and 3.allowing you to then respond either positively or negatively to whatever suggestion comes next. Its the same here. Then, actually do check your calendar, check in with yourself if you actually want to do whatever it is, and answer the person when its convenient for you. This says "I'm doing well.". I have myself been asked that question when relatives have been looking for a babysitter so that is why it especially resonated with me. Are you up to anything good?, If the person comes back with an invitation and youre not enthusiastically sure you want to do whatever it is, delay! Mostly they arent great at invitations. Thats just the question it looks like. If you need an answer right now then Im gonna have to say no.. Do you have time to talk?" "What Are You Up To?" Can Be a Way to Ask "Are You Busy?" Here's another example: Jana: Hi Rob, how are you? Thank you. Sometimes people respond in a very vague way (oh just some family stuff), which will tell me that its private or they just dont want to discuss it with me and Ill drop it and switch topics. As long as I sound friendly, folks who have no ulterior motive take it at face value, and the ones who are being invasively nosy, or hoping to trick me into something, are taken aback and sometimes given subtle notice that I will set boundaries Trust issues and controlling family? Try to be kind and positive in your response. I want collaborators, not pupils. Unless youre at the stage of an established friendship where you have agreed to get together for dinner every other Saturday, or are discussing plans for the next visit to your long-distance sweetie during this visit, any actual social plan is only going to happen after someone risks discovering that the other person is less interested than they are. 30 Best Bumble Prompt Answers for Guys (with Screenshots) - emlovz I dont hear it much in my circles, and if it does come up I just say something noncommittal and wait for them to present a direct invitation or request if they want to. To those who are wondering why this is such a big deal when its just a social pleasantries thing: I *almost* put this in my original questions but left it out for length and (I thought) irrelevance -The question does not bug me at all when people ask at work or social functions as a way to make conversation. interactions that I think stand a significant chance of blowing up in peoples faces. Try delaying your answer and then see if taking the pressure off yourself to answer the question or commit to stuff helps you feel less annoyed by this question. Reluctant runners just need a nudge. @mangosteeen, I would pay money to see Nosy Tellers face if you were to tell him you were flying to the moon some weekend! Especially since shes not working during the dayshe only HAS leisure time.). Or is it more like she doesnt get involved into such decisions but you expect her to follow through and water your radishes? Of course, you might have said that when you know that movie will be out for weeks and youd absolutely prefer to have an excuse to build a couch cushion fort and have an audience who is actually impressed by your terrible magic tricks, and no one wins. ), (4) I just found a salamander, can I put it in your mouth?. LW gets that we all know this, and should be less friggin bigoted about shoving our nosy questions at a population for whom nosy questions are constantly tied to real threats of violence. Helen Huntingdon mentioned interruptingI just want to say, thats a helluva an assumption. That wasnt an assumption it came directly from what you posted about deciding to take her leisure time. I hear you. Improve your attitude toward your family." - Bo Bennett 4. I also (insert similar hobby or interest). Whatever hits them the hardest should work just fine. My answer to this question is almost invariably Not sure yet, why? or Havent quite decided, how about you?, This might elicit a Well I was just wondering if youd like to to which I will respond, That sounds better than what I was planning, count me in or Hmm, thanks for thinking of me but I dont think Ill be able to this time. 30+ funny good morning memes to send to your family and friends None of us see each other over weekends. Ok so Ive been wanting to go to this play, I was thinking of going to the Friday night show or the Saturday matinee, would you be interested in one of those dates?. And when they do, you need to be prepared with the most appropriate reply to make the most of the situation. LW is a better person than I; I would be tempted to say, I desperately need to re-grout the bathroom and weed the garden. I have never had it used against me as an ableist term, but I will use a different word in the future. 96 views, 2 likes, 0 loves, 0 comments, 2 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from J.Cano: Law & Order: SVU - Best Episode Thanks! By mentioning the weekend, it ' s a great segue to ask them what they ' re doing. So, it's important to read the situation and know how well the person asking you out will respond to a little joke. Indeed, I often hear it as an attempt to trap me into doing something. I think people use that particular question instead of asking outright so they can feel out whether the person has any plans or our open to hanging out before they ask them to commit to a specific thing. 2. The second part of this is being okay evaluating the specific invitations and turning them down if you dont want to do them. Open your mouth and close your eyes andhold on, it got away., (1) Want to have dinner sometime? If I always have to be the one reaching out, that can feel either like the emotional and planning labor are being taken for granted, or like they dont actually care whether they see me. Because Im white, I fortunately have the privilege of knowing that 9 times out of 10 its just genuine curiosity and an attempt at polite small talk (theres always the 1 thats still xenophobic, though, like the cashier who blurted out when are you leaving, then? or the psychiatrist who refused me medical treatment because I should be going back to my home country soon anywayIm married and staying here, sorry to disappoint). Funny Bumble Answers #4: Ironic, Nerdy-Cute Guy Ugh. Like I also find whatre you doing this weekend to be pretty normal but also can feel very intrusive, but if I had people in my life like the LWs who were using it to try to make me do things I didnt want to do while making it seem like they were not making me do things itd get to be a really irritating and hair-trigger question pretty fast. Most of what I get out of asking that conversation is sharing of day to day stuff about what we both have happening and are maybe looking forward to [that I can be happy or excited about for them] or things coming up they are anxious about or having other difficult feelings about [that they can talk about if they want to, or that I then know they might be having a difficult time on Tuesday so I should give them a ring then and see how it went/offer support if they want to process through talking]. Explain yourself; dont make me drag it out of you. This business of judging what another adult does with their leisure hours (with the obvious caveat that they harm no one) is bad enough, but insisting on the right to interrupt that time to set another adult extra chores is unreasonable in most circumstances, and not good for anybody. Another good script Ive heard for when the person is clearly trying to invite you to something is What did you have in mind?, If theyre small-talking, you can say something like Hopefully relaxing and destressing. 200 Sarcastic Quotes 1. Sometimes I go with something like, Im already committed to a couple of things, but they still have to get back to me about when, exactly, theyre happening. Nowadays I usually use The Captains great script: I do not know yet, I have to check my calendar. BLah, I realized I didnt finish the thought, I suppose that before I started responding that way they thought I was sitting alone rocking back and forth in the dark.. If they want to tell you about their job, they can. Being a grown up with a family, studies and a job, friends and hobbies my life is often busy and so is my friends so we often use this website https://doodle.com/ but then people always know what kind of an event we are trying to schedule. I chitchat with cashiers so its totally fine to say something like, Ah, gosh, so crazy today I got a flat tire and Im just grabbing something easy for dinner. In other words if you have the time and energy to construct a lowkey, mildly entertaining story then go for it, otherwise just stick with Great, how are you? and you can let the conversation drop from there. If those people have sufficient ability to cause difficulty or danger if they are displeased, it may not be advisable to say to them but not because it it rude; because those people cause problems when things dont go their way. She gets what crowds people like and is on point with inviting me to the right events. And I agree that literally saying No, I dont want to get to know you better is a bit off. 3. Never trust Calvin, even if you see Hobbes! For the record, I will totally cat-sit for you. The problem with these is that the aforementioned cousin who wants you to babysit may treat your I dont know as nothing at all, I have zero excuses. You need to know your audience, but it does work well for the nosy-only requests. Question. Ill let you know closer to the day if thats okay. If it requires more notice, I tell them to count me out. Its okay that my body needs time to recuperate. Are you planning something?. I do have quite good boundaries with my family (after years of building them) and definitely only babysit when I want to. Thats not cool.. The joke about (insert joke) cracked me up on your profile. But thats always what those on the winning side of dominance relationships say. I dont know many people who issue we should hang out soon with the expectation that the recipient is then supposed to plan an event if they agree? She does recognize that its a way people make small talk and that its not likely to go away any time soon. Its a lot easier (for me anyway) to answer when I know what Im answering. See, shes trying to force you to perform niceness and capitulate because its hard to think of a way to get rid of her that wont make you look like a bitch not performing socially-mandatory niceness. That way, he proudly announced, he never owed them a favor in return. So I love this response cuz its keeping it real! Im not talking about not dealing with this. Always always have a plan I forgot about until next day. Fine, thanks, and you? Funny Answers To What Are You Doing (WYD) - MomInformed What are you doing for dinner? YES, THIS. . We should definetely try to avoid stealth scheduling questions. 1, It feels rude not to ask back. But, in the long run, in my life, I think the conflict over emotional labor and fair division of chores, while sometimes painful and frustrating, was something we were able to move past when I moved out because I never felt unsafe. If an acquaintance asks How are you? and I answer and ask back like I do at home, am I way off? No other teller (in this bank, or others that Ive been in) does this. Acquaintances or co-workers get a vague answer, like, {5 words to say Im in/out of town or am/arent super booked}, then, What are you up to? because its really just small talk. You just reminded me of the ex-husband of a friend I used to know. Here's the most obvious answer that no one can argue with. I can see where laundry might be a perfectly good excuse NOT to go with your aunt to somewhere you dont want to go. If she wants to NOT have some other grownup setting a price on her activities occasionally, she can get a job and move out, and then I wont be saying, a couple of times a month, if youre home tonight, I need you for X.. If banal small talk that most people use is offensive to you, thats on you to tell people, I think. If the idea is to make refusal easier, I think scripts like Im going to this show tomorrow, if youd like to join me and Do you know of anyone who might be able to babysit on Saturday? would be more effective. My response if Im up for it is Looking like a fun one, but did you have something in mind? If Im probably not up for it I say All the things! Whaaaaaat. I dont think there is the slightest thing wrong with wanting something in the way of rent for the houseroom and resources she takes up. And I have to say, my, Toss her out and let her adult, is in flat contradiction to my frequent assertion that successful launching has been economically tough for young adults for some time now. Him: Doing anything fun today? Its bugged me as an opener for a date until I found this phrasing. But then theres her Im going to need you to be my helper for Christmas Day because Im getting older, and that doesnt seem so presumptuousits MY Christmas Day and MY extended family too. But I hate this because then I have to pretend to wait while I figure out if my original plans are going through before I give them an answer. The kind of situation where someone finds out you are free that evening and then says, Good! Right now? Well see you at other times but this ones for us.. "Thanks, it was a chance to relax and I am grateful for that.". Sadly its never QUITE a lie, hahaha. Personally what works for me to feel non-imposed-upon is for someone to either tell me I have time to think about it, say hey if you cant I understand or similar, and generally act like they care about my opinions, feelings, and consent. It sort of came to a head last week when I was on the toilet, and the kid came to the door, and my kid answered the door, and the conversation was like No other adult would be here. The Captain covered it with saying the question isnt going away. They need to stop it. I mean, where are you REALLY from, but whats up is harder, since nothing/dont know tends to elicit a why not? or you should be/do more fun! And I dont know what to say to that, because no just seems rude and I didnt invite them to improve my life. We went swimming in the lake and had a little bonfire." This is a good response to use when your weekend with family was more on the slow-paced side but was nonetheless enjoyable. Thats a great answer! I hate it when people tell me whats best for me (more plans! It shows that you're a calm and cool person who is easy to talk to and has no problem whether someone says hey or hello. I am definitely not math or sciencey, just like my me time, so that wouldnt have occurred to me. I have actually thought about writing in about this one as well.

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